This post is going to start a little sad, but will get better by the end I promise! It’s my 37th Birthday. So I want to complain a bit and talk about reflecting, and the changes I am making.
Birthdays have never been my jam. not because I didn’t want them to be. It was more because those around me (except my sister) didn’t really care. It made me feel like I was an afterthought. I had constantly felt like the outcast in that regard. Since I can remember I would get really excited it was my birthday month starting August 1st, but slowly as the month progressed I would get sadder knowing those around me didn’t care.
If I wanted to do something for my birthday I had to plan it.
It’s my birthday… who cares??
Birthday Memory #1
When I was about 15 maybe 16 I was surprised with a birthday party thrown by my niece, Jamie. As I walked around the party to greet everyone I realize that she ONLY invited HER friends. She used me as an excuse to throw a party at my Sisters house. She didn’t even invite my 4 friends. The one and only party that was thrown for me and I knew nobody there…
Birthday Memory #2
In my friend group when I was in college… 2009 maybe 2010ish My friends would plan birthday parties for each other at our favorite pub on karaoke night for each other because karaoke was our crack! Decorations, presents, as well as a themed karaoke night. It was always a blast.
This one particular year I was so excited that my birthday was coming up and my friends were going to plan a little party for me. Mind you I have never had a birthday party with gifts. I don’t count the party my niece threw “me”.
I walked into karaoke the week before my birthday to find my friends planning another friend’s birthday who was 3 days before mine. We hadn’t been friends with this person for that long which made me confused. Were they just joking and using him as a cover to plan something for me…
So I mentioned to said friend ‘Oh your birthday is the 16th. Mine is the 19th. Fellow Leo baby!” He replied, “That’s awesome we will have to combine our birthday celebrations for one epic night”. Which was fine. No biggie for me. But the night of the party comes and all the signs are about his birthday. All the gifts are for him and not one of my friends said Happy Birthday to me until the co-birthday friend said it to me. Then it was let me buy you a shot, let me buy you a shot.
Birthday Memory #3
So the following year I decided to throw my own birthday party burlesque theme and only 4 people RSVP’d on Facebook. I decided to go through with it and only 1 close friend showed up.
I hate to admit this but there was a little tinge of jealousy deep within because I didn’t have anybody who wanted to plan those things for me. I had created all of this unnecessary pressure and shame on myself because back then my mentality made me think I was less than them because they didn’t think of me the way I thought of them. That was the turning point for me in all of my friendships. Ultimately it was one of the many reasons I decided not to be friends with them anymore. These past 10 years have taught me so much about unhealthy friendships and when it’s time to walk away from certain situations.
That’s enough complaining. Either way… over the years there have been some good birthdays and some not-so-good birthdays.
Last year I was so ready to close the chapter of 35 and let myself fill with excitement and wonder about what the big 3 6 was going to bring. I had another 365 days to be better than I was before. I have been thinking about this a lot lately and this is such a crazy feeling to say that I am in my late thirties now. It doesn’t scare me but turning 37 feels different. I am VERY AWARE I am a couple of years shy of 40.
I don’t know if it’s because of the era I grew up in but a part of me still feels like a teenager and the other part of me is like HOLY SHIT MICHELE YOU ARE ALMOST 40!!!! When I was younger I wanted nothing more than to be an adult and thought this is going to take forever. Now all of a sudden BAM I am 37 adulting like I have never adulted before. It’s exhausting. LOL
Next year will be my 20th high school reunion… WHAAATTTT???
It has definitely been a process, but over these last several years I have been able to shift the narrative in my mind and find fulfillment within myself. The old I get the more I say fuck it. I no longer want to hang out with people who don’t care for me the way I care for them. If that means it’s just me and the fiance celebrating my birthday then so be it. I spent way too much energy worrying about having a birthday party with people who made me feel less than. No more of that my friends.
It’s my 37th Birthday and this year will be celebrated with the man I love getting all the freebies I can baby! LOL
Mike has something planned for Saturday for us to do. Because from here on out I want to do something I have never done before on my Birthday. I want to ring in my new year by putting myself out there and getting out of my comfort zone.
My 37th Birthday
The last few years have been all over the place that you can’t make definite plans because things can change in an instant. There are no guarantees in life. You figure one thing out another thing pops up.
Right now in my life, I am in this awkward transitional time working hard to figure out my next steps. The only thing I can hope for in this new chapter is that I unlearn all my toxic traits and boy do I have some. The more I get to know myself the more I see I do.
I hope all of the missing pieces come together and I continue to spend more time getting to know myself and loving myself more than I did last year or I have ever in my life… I want to put out love and light to anyone who interacts with me. In real life and online. Which means I need to keep myself in check. Doing Life Audit every few months really helps me stay on track.
That is what this whole getting older and being on a personal growth journey is all about. All I can hope for is happiness and peace within myself. I have no idea what the future has in store for me, but next year I want to look back and see that I am doing better than I was this year.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post. I am just grateful to be celebrating another birthday and sharing what I have learned and what I want to learn with each of you. Cheers to 37!
That is all I have for this week. Next week we will go back to our regularly scheduled personal growth blog posts.
Until next time, have a great day! Remember you are a badass!