It has been an emotional rollercoaster this week. Since I rebranded the blog “figuring out who I am as an adult“. I thought I would slowly ease my way into doing the shadow work. My goal was to start from the beginning. I wanted to spend the week talking with the people close to me about my dad’s death. but it has turned into so much more than that. It is definitely going to take a lot longer to process and answer the questions I have.
This is part 1 of 4.
Part 1 – My Dad’s death: It is time I speak my truth
Part 2 – Finding the lessons hidden in your trauma
Part 3 – Family Secrets: I Was Kidnapped As A Child
Part 4 – Childhood Trauma: The truth about my mom’s abusive boyfriends
***If you are uncomfortable with talking about death I do advise you to click off this blog right now. I know some people are not comfortable with it, but I need to speak my truth.***
My dad died when I was 2.5 and I didn’t think much of his death as a kid because… well I was a kid. I knew my dad was dad and that my mom was a single parent of 3. As I got older I got a lot more curious. I ended up spending a lot of my 20s and 30s wondering about my dad’s death. In my 20s I was more curious about my dad’s family and not really about my dad’s death. For so long growing up it was just us 4. Me, my mom, my brother, and my sister. It had always been just us.
Curiosity got the best of me
I was getting more and more curious about the family on dad’s side. On my mom’s side, I knew I had an Aunt and Uncle and 3 cousins, but I never talked to them either. I felt like I was missing out on something when it came to family. So… When I was in my 20s I decided to look up my dad on google. I found a memorial page dedicated to him that had pictures of me and my family. I didn’t know who created it until I scrolled to the bottom of the page and it said:
Was this person related to me?? When I saw I could click on her profile and it gave me the option to message her. Without hesitation, I sent her this quick little message something along the lines of This is my dad Michael. How do you know him?
And she replied back with this:
We exchanged info on Facebook and have been friends on there ever since. My Aunt Jeanie introduced me to lot of family members on my dad’s side of my family.
My dad’s death
I just wanted to give that little back story to put some space between my trigger warning and what I am going to say about my dad’s death. But also to show that I was curious back then, but I wasn’t ready to do the shadow work I am doing now. I was 23 when I reached out to my Aunt Jeanie… I was looking for family, not for answers. Even though I had thoughts about his obituary and how he passed. Now that I am 35 years old I am ready to speak my truth on what happened to my dad.
The last memory I have of my dad
The last memory and ONLY memory I have of my dad was me, my mom, and him in a room of our house. They were hanging curtains. If you were facing the window head on my mom would be on the right and my dad would be on the left. I was in the middle of the room laying on the floor playing with toys. They were talking and kind of arguing at the same time And I remember my mom asking him to fix the microwave after they were done with the curtains. I remember him walking into the kitchen. That is where my memory ends.
How my dad died
In 1988 my dad passed away at the age of 26. He was electrocuted by a microwave that he was trying to fix.
Some things just don’t add up
My Aunt Jeanie posted on the find a grave website my dad’s obituary. However, I just found out yesterday it wasn’t. The picture above is his obituary. What she posted on the site was an article written about him. When I was in my 20s and I read this article and there was a line that just didn’t sit right with me. I have spent 15 years thinking about this line. There have been other lines in the article but this one line just sits in the back of my mind.
The things that don’t sit right with me is first the line were it says The woman said she ran to a neighbor’s house to call an ambulance. Why not use our house phone? Why did you leave your 5 and 2 year old in a house alone with a man laying the floor with electrical current running through his body… What if… me being his child seeing my daddy hurt on the ground ran up to see if he was okay. Would I have been electrocuted as well? YES!!! Yes, I could have.
Can you touch a person who has been electrocuted?
https://www.sc.edu —- DO NOT ATTEMPT TO PULL THE PERSON FROM THE ELECTRICAL SOURCE WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, YOU MAY BE ELECTROCUTED. Remember, your body is a good conductor of electricity, if you touch the person while they are connected to the electrical source, the electricity will flow through your body causing electrical shock.
This one line has haunted me for 15 years….
When Kathleen writes the family requested it not be done. She meant to write my mother REFUSED to have it done. I have heard from a lot of my dad’s family members that my mom fought tooth and nail to NOT have this autopsy done.
Why if you know that his death was electrocution by microwave you wouldn’t have it done? So that you could have a medical record that states 100% that his death was electrocution… Fully I understand that it is common for some spouses to refuse, but when the rest of his family wants one done… why couldn’t you just do it?
Article 2 about my dad’s death
I don’t even remember reading this article growing up. These are all articles my mother has saved about his death. They have been sitting in a scrapbook for 33 years. I took them out today for the first time to scan them into my computer. When I read this line yesterday my heart dropped.
5-hour conversation with my Aunt
In preparation for me airing my dirty laundry I reached out to my Aunt’s to answer those basic questions I had, but that conversation turned into so much more. I learned basic information. Where he grew up, where he went to school, what he was like as a kid… Which was great. It is more than I have ever heard about my father growing up. But when we got into the heavy part of his death I found out some more things that did not add up.
My Aunt was telling me that back in 1988 you had to call the sheriffs office if you had an emergency. 911 was a thing, but it wasn’t like it is today. You had to call the sheriff’s office and give them direction to your house. I know this is heresay, but if you knew my mother this sounds like something she would do.
My Aunt said she was told that the sheriff’s office and ambulance were given bad directions by my mother. The ambulance could have been there sooner if they could have found the house. He possibly could have been revived.
What is my truth?
I have never said this publicly, but I have mentioned it to the people I am close with but never did anything about it. This is also something I have even said to my mother’s face, but she blew me off. My questions lead me to think she was stalling and the one line in the obituary that says the Medical examiner’s office said the family requested that an autopsy not be done…
She is not a live to dispute it, its not like she would talk about it if I did take this further.
But I think my mother killed my father.
I think my father was worth more to my mother dead then alive. He had been in the military. He may have had some benefits she could have received. I know she was getting SSI for her my sister, brother and me.
Why do I think that?
Because of what my mother did or didn’t do.
Running to the neighbor’s house to use the phone, when we had a phone she could have used.
Giving bad directions to the Sheriff’s office.
Making the comments in the articles.
Refusing to have an autopsy done.
Never talking about him to me growing up
If she never talked about him she could never slip up and say something that could incriminate herself.
This is just the beginning of this story. So many more things happened after his death. I am just here to get all of this off my chest. All of this has weighed on my mind for 15 years. This may not be 100% true, but it is what I think happened.
Here is the video from my YouTube channel where I go into a little bit more detail and kinda break down a few times.
Until Next Time, Have a Great day!
I am honestly out of words. Your dad passed too early and too sudden. And you were still too young as well. You are such a strong person to be able to speak about this so openly.
Yes, too early and too sudden. I wish I knew more about him.
I hope that you do get an answer to all the other queries that still persist , respect for what you have written
Thank you so much, Sumit!
Dear Michelle,
I think you are brave to come out with this!
I think you are courageous for investigating your father’s death. Although we’ll never know, God does know.
I think your should read Oprah and Dr. Perry’s new book “What Happened to You” a new book explaining our childhood trauma and helping us to heal. I think you are very on spot with your Shadow Healing. Please read the book. It may help you and inspire your work.
I need to investigate. It is something I think will help me put all my questions to rest once and for all.
Wow, this is crazy. What a story you have to tell.
This is just the beginning I have so many more things to talk about. My life has been a roller coaster of emotions.
it s horrible and it doesn’t even matter how did your father die actually. I mean was it an accident you grew up without knowing much about your father or his side of the family. it is very sad. I am not sure if you can ever find the answers you seek but I am sure posting and investigating might give you some peace.
I know I will never get every question answered, but I need to work through the process of asking them.
So sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to cope with one’s absence and that too with so many questions for you. I pray you get more strength and light in your path.
Thank you so much!
My dad died 6 weeks ago. We talked a lot at first, now no one talks. It’s important. Especially doing shadow work which I’m fond of. Keep up. Great read.
I am sorry for your loss.
One of the saddest moments of our lives is when someone in the family passed. I lost my father 2018 and every time and everyday for me is a struggle.
It makes me even more upset think about when I get married… My dad’s legacy ends with me. No one will have his has last after me…
This is really crazy Michelle. Although I understand, it is really crazy!
Right, it is so crazy.
This is an interesting, but deep read. Are you close with your Mum now? It must be difficult to sit with, not knowing. It was a great read, I like your blogs. I hope you can find some solace.
I was not close with my mom before she passed. We had some moments few and far between where we got along, but nothing that made me change my thoughts of her.
Wow, what a powerful blog post. I can’t believe what I read, honestly. I’m sorry that you had to do all of this to finally get to the bottom of everything, but I’m so glad that you connected with your dad’s side of the family and that you were able to speak out about your truth.
And I am not fully to the bottom of it yet. I am still waiting on a few things, but it has been so emotional.
Wow, this was a really gripping story. And, to think your mom could have killed him, that is unbelievable.
It sucks that I think it, but there are so many different versions of what happened, it is hard not to think she did it.
I’m honestly out of words. I couldn’t continue reading after I read the article, it broke my heart that he was electrocuted at a young age but after reading your article to the end I feel more horrible knowing that he was possibly murdered. Too bad your mom isn’t here to clear your mind or tell the truth. I feel more sad for you, I’m pretty sure you now have missed feelings about your mom.
Even if my mom was here she wouldn’t clear it up. She would just ignore me or gaslight me.
Oh my. I can’t imagine the complex feelings you are experiencing. This is so intense!
It is something I pushed deep down and tried not to talk about. Not because of shame or anything. More so because of anger. I get very angry when I think that my dad could still be alive if he just left my mother. I could be celebrating his 60th birthday with him this year if he wasn’t taken from me so suddenly.
That’s just so shocking of what you have found and I am out of words, it must be hard for you but I do think sometimes we need to find the answers in order to let go. – Knycx Journeying
That is all I want… Answers.
You are very strong for talking about it and I’m sorry about the early loss. It’s difficult and it’s o to take more time if you need it away from the stress and everything.
I appreciate your kind words. I am taking a little break from the shadow work and will probably publish a piece that I have been thinking about for the past 2 days. Regarding surviving domestic violence.
I’m so sorry Michelle. I am technically an orphan. I lost my mother to a hit and run accident when I was merely 1 year and my dad died 5 years ago. I have a stepmom. I grew up knowing her as my mother.
My loss will never compare to your loss. And most especially in the way you did.
In my heart of hearts, I hope you can heal from this. And I hope your mom did not do such a thing to your dad–but we may never get to find out the truth about this. So I send you all my love.
Well, I guess that makes me technically an orphan too. So you kinda know how I feel when it comes to losing a parent at a young age. I am sorry for your loss. I am glad though you have a stepmom though.
This sends me chills! My dad’s death anniversary was a week ago and I just knew about his death after a year.
You didn’t know he had passed away for a year???
I’m Sorry about your lost. And I understand that you are now in the stage that you need closure and understanding on what happened. However, when you finally found everything you need, I hope you will find peace on your heart as well. Virtual hugs.
I cannot wait for the day that I feel free. Thank you!
I appreciate the courage you have to write about your dad’s death. I can’t imagine me having to grow up without my dad. Your post just made me realize and truly appreciate having grown up with my dad beside me.
Your comment just made me cry because my initial thought was “I wish I could have grown up with my dad”
Woah, I actually can’t believe that stuff like this can happen in real life. But i do agree that there are ugly truths in the world. I just hope that things become clearer soon!
Me too.
Michele, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You are strong and courageous for sharing this with us even though you’re hurting – I know it’s not easy. I hope and pray that you’ll be able to move forward and heal from past trauma and experiences. *hugs* ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much Polly for your kind words. I appreciate them more than words can express.