This is part 2 of my deep dive into my Dad’s death in 1988. If you have not read that yet please go here to read about Part 1 My Dad’s Death. If you don’t some of what I am saying in this post will not make sense. This week I am finding the lessons hidden in childhood trauma.
For the sake of your eyes. I am going to split what I talked about in this week’s YouTube video into 2 separate blog posts. The update on my first video and blog post. Also sharing how I am finding the lessons in how it affected me, how I am working through and how I am moving on. Next week will be about another traumatic experience that happened because of my dad’s death.
It has been a while and a crazy ride. For the past 2 weeks, I have been in a deep rabbit hole that I can barely wrap my head around. So much research I have done about my dad. That has been all I have thought about for the past 2 weeks. I go to bed thinking about and I wake up thinking about it.
My time has been spent trying to find his best friends from back in the day. Found one on Facebook I haven’t heard back yet. (while recording the video I got a message back from his oldest son. I gave him my name, my dad’s name, and my phone number. So he should be calling me any day now. I will update when I talk to him.)
Trying my damnedest, I joined his high school Alumni community, Another group for his high school alumni. I called the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office to see about getting records from his death. Which lead to calling the EMS and fire rescue, then the archive records. Requested his military records, joined some military groups. Just so many sites. I have a huge file on my computer of stuff.
One thing I realized during this whole journey is that I have never heard my dad’s voice or have memories of him alive. Looking at this picture creeps me out, but also makes me emotional. The memory I have is more of the backside of him, not of his face.
I have had conversations with my sister. my grandpa (my dad’s dad), My Stepdad Sal, and more conversations with my Aunt Tina and Aunt Marty
I have been searching for things and trying to find people he knew people that could tell me stories about him. The things that I have been told. My mind is having a hard time comprehending. I found out all these things about my mother that I am COMPLETELY SHOCKED by. Some might go into a video, some might not.
Let’s start at the beginning
But lets start at the beginning of where we left off. I found the original articles and obituary that were written about my dad. The previous Obituary I read in the last video was not his obituary. My Aunt labeled it that on the find a grave site, but that was just an article. I found a second article that had something else my my had said that also did not sit right with me.
The last thing I said in my previous video was that the last memory… the only memory I have of my dad might be a lie. It might have been a lie told to me by my mother to give me something to hold onto or I just made it up in my head as trauma response. And I have been thinking about this for days. Ever since I made the video.
I also had been thinking about what my family members would say about the video since I posted it, but so far so good. Even though it involves them the story is not revolving around them. They may be mentioned here or there, but this is my experience and my journey in working through and making sense of all this shit.
My sister called to clear somethings up after watching my video… but now I just have more questions.
She told me that it happened at the dining room table. When she got home my dad was in the ambulance The chair at the table was knocked over the microwave was on the table plugged in and that there was no sign of toys in the living room. But there were black marks on the ground. She also told me we did not have a phone. We never had a phone growing up. We couldn’t afford it. So that explains why my mom ran to the neighbor’s house.
So a couple days later I asked her the question “was the microwave always on the table?” Is that like where we kept it. She said no.
So now my question is why would it be on the table plugged in? I understand moving the microwave from the kitchen counter to the table to have more room to work, but why would it be plugged in??
Talking with my stepdad
I was in the car telling my stepdaughter the crazy roller coaster ride I have been on the past week I had thought about the questions I was asking at the beginning. When did they meet? When did they get married? I had the thought that my stepdad Sal would know. He was married to my mom just before my dad was.
Because Sal came out as gay and couldn’t be married to my mom anymore obviously… So I messaged him on Facebook and asked him a couple questions that turned into a 2 hour phone conversation. When I called I let him know what I was doing with the blog post and the YouTube video.
Sal had nothing but nice things to say about my dad. Which kinda sways me to believe my dad was a nice guy. I don’t think when he drank or dealt with my moms bullshit he was a nice guy, but everyone I talks to says he was so nice. Or maybe he was just a narcissist and wanted everyone to like him… I am exploring all possibilities. Being his daughter I would like to think he was nice.
Sal also stated that he loved my mother and does not want to speak ill of the dead, but I told him I needed to know. Is it speaking ill of the dead if what is being said is true??
My mothers rough past
He went on to tell me that my mother has a rough childhood growing up. Which I knew and always said this is why she was the way she was. She never talked about her childhood, growing up or things that bothered her. And I understand when she as growing up mental health, shadow work and healing trauma was NOT a thing like it is today. For me though there has to be a day where you wake up and think to yourself “I can’t do this anymore”
This meaning the way you live your life they way you treat people, the way you are treated. I wish she could have done that for herself and for her kids.
But my mom was a very selfish person. She only did things that would somehow benefit her and she never wanted to be alone. She would always jump from one man to the next without hesitation.
Figuring out the timeline
I did some research and found all the marriage license, divorce records and found out some other things that are not that important but cool to know.
Sal ended things with her and divorce 9/4/1984 after 2 years of marriage and within a few months she was with my dad, married 12/10/1984. Which I find funny what date is almost exactly 8 months after that date? August 19, 1985. My birthday!!! So they found out they were pregnant with me a month earlier eww my moms birthday in November. GROSS.
My Mom’s new boo
After my dad passed she did not wait long before bring a new man around. I mean it was so soon that the first time people actually met him was at my dads service.
My dad died on feb 10th, 1988 and they had a service for him and cremated him within a few days. My grandpa and Aunt told me that my mom rolled up to his service with a new man and a 12 pack of beer in hand. Which again kind of shocked me and kinda didn’t at the same time.
That man being Dave my mom’s friend from the tailor park that we lived in before moving to Rose Terrace. 2 years later Dave would become my new stepdad. I have got stories about him too coming up.
The story behind the microwave
Sal asked me if I knew the story behind the microwave. Of course I didnt because mom never talked about anything.
He said that my mom and dad got into a fight and my dad broke our microwave. He felt really bad about breaking it so since we didnt have a lot of money he went to a garage sale or an estate sale and bought a “new” one for my mom to make her feel better. But when he brought it home he found out that it didnt work.
Which annoyed my mom even more. So my dad being an electrician decided to take the parts from microwave and use them to fix the other microwave. In one of the articles written about him it does say he fixed the microwave 3 weeks prior. So he got it working but then it died again.
So my last memory was real because I remember they were arguing about the microwave.
Sal told me that he didn’t understand how someone could make another person feel so guilty about a microwave. When all they were trying to do was make up for what they broke.
I would say I don’t get it either but my mother would harp on things even after you apologized and tried to fix it. I know that all to well from my childhood.
What makes me feel better is that my last memory of my dad seems more real now. That is a plus.
Finding the lessons in my dad’s death
How did my dad’s death affect me growing up?
I spent a lot of time wondering who he was, as a person, as a dad, a brother, a son. Most of all, I just wanted to know him. I just wanted to hear some good memories about him, but all I was told was he was an asshole.
A lot of time was spent a lot of time making up scenarios in my head about how good my life and how different it would have been if my dad was still alive. Or if I went to live with my grandparents. Anything could have been better than living with my mom. If it wasn’t for my brother and my sister I probably would have tried harder to end my life.
Finding the lessons: It made me long for deeper connections with people. It made me value the importance of appreciating people while they are here.
Mom and I did not get along AT ALL. We fought about everything. I shared a poem/rap that I wrote about my mom on July 2, 2002, in my new YouTube video. My brother got me hooked on Eminem’s music so I was channeling my inner white rapper. hahaha But I was just overall of her bullshit. All the stuff she put me through as a child just came out in that poem. I did share it with her, but of course, she ignored me.
Look at that handwriting… sheesh! hahaha
Finding the lessons in working through it
How am I working through my dad’s death?
Doing this research about him and talking to my grandpa and my step dad Sal has been very therapeutic. Because Yes it may have started out about my dad, but turned into something so much more. My grandpa is not getting any younger and when I call him to say Hey Grandpa its Michele and he replies Hey there Suga! It just gets me every time.
Talking to Sal although technically he is not my stepdad. I was born after him and don’t remember ever meeting him. Which I am sure I did as a baby, but I am lucky I remember that 1 memory from being 2.5. But when we first connected on Facebook years ago he was always so apologetic like “ I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you guys. I should have been. And is always telling me if I need anything to call him. Those might be small things, but they make a really big impact on me.
this is the most I have ever talked to these people in my life and I start learning more about them and them interesting and amazing. And very curious about them and how they lived their life after separating themselves from my mom.
Finding the lessons: Really get to know the people in your life and make lots of memories. Cherish the time you have together.
Finding the lessons in moving on
How am I moving on from this?
I think just doing the research asking the questions talking to everybody has really helped with everything that has been going on in my head for my whole life. Nothing is going to change. It can’t bring my dad back. My mom if she was still alive would never tell me.
Just making these videos, and blog posts has just helped me get all of the junk out of my head. Sharing my story with those who are going through something similar. This may have happened in my past but it doesn’t define me.
I know I keep saying this but just getting all of it out has really lifted some weight off of my shoulders. I cant wait for the day I talk about everything, and I just feel free!
Finding the lessons: Learning that it is okay to expose your own bullshit as a way to deal with all the things going on in your head.
Finding the lessons
I know this has been long and I appreciate anyone who has watched til the end. I know these videos are cool and interesting with affects and music, but its not about getting views or being popular. This is to show you want real shadow work looks like. Its not fun, its emotional, Its not glamorous, its raw and gritty with a lot of highs and lows.
My wish for anyone who watches this video is to know that at any age you can work through your bullshit and become a better person on the other side. Your past does not define you. It is what you learn from your past and what you do with that knowledge for your future.
Until Next Time, Have a great day!