Each week I talk about topics of personal growth. I can compare my younger self to my older self and see a change, but what I am feeling right now is something more than that. I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels like a BIG change within myself.
In my 20s I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life. I think at some point you “have a general idea” but when you get in your 30s things definitely take a turn. I am starting to feel more myself than I EVER have in my life.
Feeling a change within myself
Let me share 5 things I have noticed these past couple of months that have been leading up to this big change within me.
Winds in the east, mist coming in, Like somethin’ is brewin’ and bout to begin. Can’t put me finger on what lies in store, But I fear what’s to happen all happened before.Bert – Mary Poppins
Feeling like a stranger
I spent the good part of the last 2 years feeling like a stranger in my own body. I was questioning everything about myself. Like I didn’t even know this person I have been living with for the past 36 years.
Sometimes I felt like I was hovering over watching my life as it happened. Just taking notes on social cues and things I noticed about myself. It’s like I needed to remove myself and watch myself as a neutral 3rd party. Like if I was upset about something and an argument started because I can’t keep my mouth shut when I feel something. I would hear this voice telling me things.
Like maybe you shouldn’t word what your feeling like that. Why does this trigger you so much? Is this the real reason that you are upset or is it something else?
I don’t know if that makes sense. It does to me because I lived it. After the argument, I needed to self-reflect. I needed to understand why whatever happened upset me. My brain was making me question it while I was in the middle of expressing what I was feeling.
I know I was on the right path doing all of this personal growth and shadow work, but sometimes it didn’t feel like much has changed. I was exploring myself from every angle I could think of and sometimes I just ended up feeling lost. Lost like I didn’t know what I doing or if what I was doing was working. Because the more I questioned the more questions I would have. Some of those questions couldn’t be answered. At least not answered right now.
It is just questions upon questions upon questions. Really having patience is a virtue. A lot of times I wanted to just write a blog post of this personal growth is a bunch of hocus pocus. It doesn’t work. But time after time I had to remind myself to trust the process.
When doing the shadow work to me at least it feels like you are stuck in a circular room with the lights off trying to find the corner of the room. You don’t know if you are ever going to find a corner of the room, the door out or if a light is going to turn on at some point.
Over time I have come to realize that that feeling of “feeling lost” was actually just me shedding all the unwanted things in my life. I stripping away all those things that just did bring me joy. My whole life has had an overhaul where I went through everything and asked myself did I really like this or was it just me trying to please someone else.
I went through or still going through everything mentally and physically. All the memories that I cherished or I wished to forget. To physically going through everything in my house. Closet by closet, drawer by drawer. I have a huge box or just random stuff that no longer brought me joy and a contractor trash bag halfway filled with clothes.
I spent a lot of time going through the people in my life and if I felt an off vibe or felt mentally and emotionally drained from them. They had to go. I didn’t even explain myself to them because, in the end, it’s not worth it. That person could see nothing wrong with how they interact with people and could be fine with how they live your life. Who are you to tell them you feel a certain way around them? It is better to remove yourself and let them go on with their life.
I think this is something you need to go through to come out the other side more light. There are times that I still feel that lost feeling, but it is few and far between. You just have to put your trust into the process.
Feeling change within myself
Time to open up
I was going to write a post about how being alone and having no friends was something I was okay with, in my life. Thinking back at that time I was okay with it. It made things easier. it made working on me easier. I didn’t have a responsibility to people to reach out when I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to go out if I wasn’t feeling it.
A lot of time has gone past since I removed myself from their life. It’s been about a year and a half. Has it been lonely at times? Absolutely. But I wouldn’t change it. I needed that time by myself to figure out what I want and what boundaries I need to set for myself and for others.
Let me be honest… It is time to open back up and make some new friends, because as much as I love Mike… I need girl time. He just doesn’t get it. I ask him his opinion on outfits or a piece of clothing and he picks out the most hideous thing I own or at the store and says to wear that. I secretly think he doesn’t like me. LOL just kidding but For real… how do you ask someone who doesn’t know if his clothes match to help me pick out a matching CUTE outfit. He just doesn’t know and really doesn’t care about fashion. LOL
It is time to open up and meet some new friends. So hit me up if you are in the Tampa area. Let’s get lunch or a coffee!
Gratitude and Grace
Going through this process and feeling this big change within myself… it is time you really show gratitude. Everything you have had in your life service its purpose. It is time to part ways of being grateful and re-enter your life gracefully. Being in this period of transition can be really hard and will only happen when YOU are ready for it. You blow everything up in your life and walk back in with grace.
It is time to be grateful for all the missteps and mistakes you have made to get to where you are. Each one of those things helped you become who you are. You have learned valuable lessons that you won’t regret.
Taking your first steps and leaning into this big change within myself. It should be with a lot of ease. Leaving you in awe of where you came from to where you are. I have spent a lot of my life out of alignment and I will never go back to living that way because it feels so good to be on the brink of the other side.
A BIG change within myself
I can feel myself wanting to do things that make me happy. That makes me feel more like myself. Everything is starting to align and I am just letting all the pieces fall into place. I am not forcing anything to happen. It is the time to just go with the flow and seeing where all this will take me.
Again, I am not forcing anything, but what I am doing is pushing myself out of my comfort zone and doing things I didn’t think I could do. Like posting this pic on Instagram. This is something I normally don’t post. To some it’s just a leg, but when I look at it. I think who is she trying to fool acting sexy and shit.
I don’t think of myself as sexy or hot, but I should. Maybe that is what is looming over me. I love my body for everything it has done for me. Lately, I have been showing that appreciation publicly and it’s kind of empowering.
All I know is I’m beginning to feel a BIG change within myself…
Until tomorrow, Have a great day! Remember you are a badass!