The person you are now is the person you would’ve felt safe with as a kid. Read that again. Let it sink in. One TikTok video came up on my for you page yesterday saying that sentence and I can’t get it out of my head. I kept watching it over and over. Finally, I went to bed at 10p and it is now 11:17 at night. I couldn’t stop thinking about this video. It freaks me out but comforts me at the same time. Undoing all of this trauma are we really becoming the adult we truly wanted as a child?
For those of us who have had some (a lot) childhood trauma and as adults are now working through it all. I am sure some of our stories can relate, but everyone’s story is different. It all started differently and ended differently. Hell, it might still be going on. I don’t know how old you are.
I have been working on healing my inner child for this purpose right here. Becoming the adult I truly wanted/needed as a child.
For the younger kids who read this
If you are not of age. I want to give a quick little speech to you. I don’t know how old you are, but I have been where you have been. There are some young kids I know who feel this way now. You might not believe me, but I was once a kid living in a shitty house with shitty people. I spent many nights wondering “why me?” What did I do that was so bad that I was placed in a home like this? If God was real he must have really hated me.
I was short, fat, and told many MANY times that I was ugly. I had one friend growing up. But I really felt like I had no one to talk to. That my problems were a burden on those around me. Especially when there were times I didn’t feel loved at home.
My mom was too wrapped up in her men, beer, and cigs. Kids were not meant to be seen or heard when she and her boyfriend were drinking. Or when her friends came over. Which was every night.
I got bullied so much at school for being fat, being poor, and being weird. I spent 5th grade – high school trying to be my weird, funny self, but when I went home all I wanted to do was not be alive anymore. There was a time when I hated myself more than anyone could know.
Most days I felt so alone and really thought no one would notice if I was gone or not. I tried committing suicide twice. Obviously, it didn’t work and I felt more like a fuck up. For the longest time I tried journaling about my thoughts and feelings, but soon found out people snoop. I had no privacy. I was made to feel even worse about the feelings I was having. It didn’t make me feel any better. It only made me better at hiding it.
Becoming the adult you needed
I am thankful every day that the suicide did not work. I know it may not seem like it now for you, but things do get better. It is hard to understand especially from an “adult” but I can tell you I may be an adult from the outside, but inside I am still dealing with all the pain and trauma from my childhood.
Which is it, Michele??? You said it gets better, but you are also talking about still going through trauma. I know it’s confusing. Life is one big rollercoaster ride, but if you hold on you will make it to the end. Choosing to live and continuing to FIGHT through the shitty hand you have been dealt. Is one of the most rewarding things you can do for yourself… Why??
But you still growing up to be an adult and me being an adult now. You and I can give each other all the things we needed growing up. You are the only person who can do that for yourself. Obviously, you are not getting what you need from your household.
If it is too much for you to handle right now. Reach out to someone who has been in your shoes.
Giving yourself what child you needed
Following Maslow’s Hierarchy of human needs… simplypsychology.org gives a great definition… There are five levels in Maslow’s pyramid. From the bottom of the hierarchy upwards, the needs are: physiological (food and clothing), safety (job security), love and belonging needs (friendship), esteem, and self-actualization.
Becoming the adult that gives you Self Esteem
Being the parent or adult that gives you self-esteem in yourself and in others. Knowing your self-worth. How truly great you are just the way you are. Reminding you that you are an independent person who can achieve great things in life.
An adult that gives you the self-esteem to demand respect and acknowledgment from others. Not in a cocky way, but in an “I am a human being” kind of way. An adult that gives you the confidence to say no when you don’t want to do something. Make sure you know to trust your instincts. Never doubt them they are always right!
This one sometimes needs to sometimes be at the top of the list. I am now the person who will teach me self-actualization. It is our time to reach our full potential as a person. It is the time we educate ourselves on topics we always wanted to learn. And we’re never allowed to!
We work on honing our skill development. That means creating new hobbies. Trying out things we have done before and things we have never done before. This is the time we push ourselves outside of our comfort zone. Refining our talents in areas such as music, athletics, and cooking.
We also need to learn skills that seem uncomfortable for us. Not just the basic human skills but skills that can change another person’s life like caring for others, becoming empathetic, compassionate, and understanding.
Any skill you want to learn is there at your fingertips. Nothing is too small… So dream big my friend!
Becoming the adult that gives you Safety
We always had to walk on eggshells growing up. Especially when mom’s boyfriends were around. We didn’t want to upset them. At any moment World War III could break out. Even though I have happy moments in my childhood. In the back of my mind, I was always worried. I worried if he was gonna come after me or my mom. My environment became exhausting.
I really see that I am becoming the adult I needed as a child because of the way I talk with my stepdaughter. She is 13 and is going through the same things I did at that age. I want to give her the safety and peace of mind I needed then.
I let her know that I will go to battle for her if anyone, I MEAN ANYONE treats her wrong. Never do want her to have to walk on eggshells or feel like she can’t be her annoying, opinionated, loud-mouth self. I am not calling her names because I am the same way. And it took me a long time to allow myself to be that.
I still have my days where I shut down, but I am a work in progress. It is my goal to give her and now myself protection from violence and theft, emotional stability and well-being, health security, and financial security.
No matter what happens I want to be a safe space she can come to. Something I never had.
This has to be the FIRST basic human need that must be met. A parent or the adult in your life needs to make sure you have food and water, sufficient rest, clothing, and shelter, and MUST care about your overall health.
I remember going many days without food. There would be times we had bread, but no lunch meat, or another time we had hotdogs but no buns. There would be pasta but no butter, no sauce. We had half-ass ingredients that couldn’t make a full meal.
I spent many sleepless nights because my mom and her boyfriend would argue until god knows what time. The next morning I would be so tired when I went to school. That I couldn’t pay attention.
One memory I have is that I got sick. Either I was coughing or throwing up. It got so bad that I couldn’t breathe. There was no catching my breath. My sister had to call and yell at my mom for her to take me to the hospital. It turned out I had acute bronchitis, mono, and pneumonia all at the same time.
One thing I can agree with Maslow about is that he states that these basic needs must be addressed before we can move on to the next level of fulfillment. You must take care of your four walls first. Meaning your house and what’s in your house.
I will pass up any opportunity to go out if it means that money or time is going towards my home. Sometimes I really neglect myself and the things I want in fear of my stable foundation being taken away from me in the blink of an eye. That is because we moved around a lot as kids because of eviction.
Becoming the adult that shows Love and Belonging
This is probably the biggest one that hits home. I have talked about this before about how when my mom was growing up they didn’t talk about mental health or how to say I love you. So my Mom barely did that growing up. When she did it sounded inauthentic and not genuine. We barely hugged or showed affection toward each other.
I spent a lot of time thinking my mother hated me. That when she looked at me all she saw was my father. Still, as an adult, I question whether or not people actually love me or if I am a burden. Because that is how I felt when it came to my mother. People tell me they care but there is this part of me in the back of my mind that they don’t really mean it.
God typing this part is making me tear up. I think that is why I am so open and honest with my emotions and why I always say to email me or message on social media to talk because I know what it’s like not to be loved, not to be someone’s favorite person. I have proof of that on my old Youtube channel.
Speaking of that video I just rewatched it and it made me cry because you can kind of hear the sadness in my voice. Even though I am laughing and smiling. I remember how I felt on the inside when my then-boyfriend shook his head “No” that I wasn’t his favorite person.
Becoming the adult you needed
I know this post may be a little all over the place, but it is what is on my mind right now.
It is not an easy task becoming the adult you truly wanted as a child. But as you get older you start giving yourself all the things you wanted. All the things you never received as a child. At first, it may seem selfish. It may seem silly and stupid. But just know it’s not. When you feel out of touch with your “real” self… doing anything remotely for yourself feels foreign.
When you grow up with toxic parents it becomes exceptionally difficult to identify who you are once you grow up. You spend your whole life never being your authentic self because you are constantly worried if people knew who you really were they wouldn’t like you.
It manifests itself in being a perfectionist because you don’t want to let anyone down. What ends up happening is you end up denying who you are down to the core. Then you wake up one day in your 30s wondering who you are and now have to spend time figuring out who you are as an adult.
After some time has passed and you find out more about yourself… You end up reparenting yourself into becoming the adult you truly wanted as a child.
Until Next Time. Have a great day! Remember you are a badass!