This is an emotional post for me. This week I want to talk about being a Stepmother and my worse fear.
I am late on posting because the events that happened took place on the day I normally would be writing and posting on Friday. It has been a whirlwind of emotions since Thursday afternoon.
What you want as a stepmother
As a stepmother, you want to have a relationship with your stepchildren. I thought I had that with my stepdaughter. I have put so much time and energy to have somewhat of a relationship. Thursday night took a turn for the worse. We found out Mikayla cut her hair by herself. She waited for when I was not home and her dad was in a different room.
Mind you she is 11 years old. When I found the hair in my sink. I was upset. I wanted to know why she did it. We have never denied her the opportunity to do anything with her hair except for dying it black. (that is from personal experience). I asked why she did it, Mikayla responded she saw it on a TikTok. I asked to see her phone because I want to see what TikTok she was talking about.
Found out more than we wanted to
That opened a whole can of worms. We found out she was talking to the boy we told her not to be talking to. The first time was back in February. That inspired the post regarding 10 ways to boost your daughters’ low self-esteem. This kid is not good for her mental health. He is very manipulative.
Because of this, I read her messages between them. It got a whole lot worse. She had told him things she should not have. Talked a lot of crap about her mom, her stepdad, Mike, and myself.
A stepmother’s worse fear
With that little back story. I found a message on there that was directed at me and how I can’t have kids because of PCOS. Mikayla and this little boy made me the butt of a joke. That broke me. I don’t think I can ever look at Mikayla the same. If I do it will be a while from now.
I was upset about that. But it got so much worse after we confronted Mikayla. These messages between her and this boy were mind-blowing. Mike and I had to walk out of the room. That’s when Mikayla told my sister that she feels like I am not part of her family.
My sister told me what Mikayla said later on that night and it broke me. I have been telling Mike for the past couple of months. I feel like the third wheel in our household. Especially when it comes to her and Mike. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. To hear that is what she said it just confirmed everything I had been thinking and feeling.
Wasting my time as a stepmother
The reason I wrote about being mentally and emotionally exhausted. I put all of the energy I had on helping Mikayla and building her self esteem. She acted grateful at the time but told multiple friends that basically she didn’t want my help.
I wasted so much time and effort thought I was helping her and we were building a relationship. Just to find out it was a joke. My heart hurts. I am so crushed. I am just the mean ugly stepmother. Something I never wanted to be.
Being the stepmother mediator
I was the mediator between Mikayla, her mom, and her dad. I had long conversations about what she wanted as an 11-year-old. She wanted all of us to trust her and give her an option. She wanted a choice on what happens in her life. Going to our house or staying at her mom’s. She felt like no one listened to her so I did. I have always listened and spoken with her mom and dad.
We came to the decision to give her more trust and choices. Only to find out she has been lying to all of us since February. We told her in January to stop talking to this boy. All that trust is gone. I am the one left hurting the most. Because she took the one thing that hurts me every day, week, month, and year into a joke.
Being open and honest as a stepmother
Wanting to be honest with her I opened up to her that I wanted a child because I wanted to expand our family. I wanted to feel the unconditional love from a child of my own. I will never be anyone’s number one. Mike has 2 kids prior to me, Mikayla has both her parents. I will never be someone’s number one. Longing for a relationship like she does with her mom and dad because I was jealous.
Being used to being last on everyone’s list. If I had my own child I would be their mom. I would hear the words coming from their mouth calling out for mama. It would have been towards me, not anyone else. That all I want is for someone to love me because I am THEIR mother.
Being the butt of a joke
To be used as the butt of a joke killed me. I know I will have a hard time getting pregnant. That just killed me. Every time I think about having a kid now it is going to be followed by that joke. I already beat myself up for my body hating me. I am so upset at my body for not giving me the one thing I want. The thing I want MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. To know others talk about it hurts.
Already being a stepmother you are not appreciated or recognized. You do all the same things their birth mother does but still are pushed to the sidelines. Most of the time I am okay with that and keep in mind that they are a kid. They don’t realize, but it just hurts when you find out. When your stepdaughter talked more shit about you than any other person in her life.
Getting recognition as a stepmother
Mike feels horrible about what Mikayla said. Her mother recognized me and what I do, posted a Facebook status last month showing her appreciation. While on the phone with Mikayla explained that I do a lot for her that she doesn’t realize I do. That what she said was horrible and she knew it would hurt me.
I love my stepdaughter don’t doubt that, but right now I don’t like her. With what she said I have every right not to like her right now. I have done nothing but build her up, make her feel loved and this is what I get. My worse fears get thrown in my face and made into a joke. These wounds are still fresh and I am bawling my eyes out while writing this. I have broken down numerous times.
Getting this off my chest
I just needed to get this off my chest to somewhat feel better. It didn’t work I just feel worse. It is going to take a lot of work to repair the relationship between me and Mikayla. Every time I look at her I see those things she said and I just get mad all over again. I am not closing off our relationship, I just need some time. With all that has happened, I still love her and I can’t undo that. I can’t just stop loving her because she had a poor lapse in judgment. We all make mistakes, but good lord this mistake hurt A LOT. I have found comfort in the site Stepmomming.com
To Mikayla, from your stepmother
You may just think you are being funny when talking to your friends, but it hurt me a lot. You could have said anything else about me and I probably wouldn’t have cared as much. Fine, you think I am a bitch cool, I am not here to be your friend. You think I am annoying because I tell you to do chores. Whatever I am teaching you how to clean up after yourself as an adult. You don’t like it when I tell you to journal. Too bad sweetie you don’t like talking to people about your feelings. You need to get them out somehow. Whatever you could have said I wouldn’t have cared…Just DONT USE MY INFERTILITY AS A JOKE. That is a low blow.
I will be pulling back my input right now and just need to be alone. This situation just turned my world upside down. I hope she reads this and understands I do love her. I may not accept your apology right now, but I will eventually. We are family (even if you don’t think so, I still do) I just need time to process what just happened, I am sure you do too. Please think long and hard about the things you say. Those mean things you said can and will push people away.
I hope you learn and grow from this. Eventually, we will get past this, but it will take time. I still love you I just don’t like you right now.