This is an emotional post for me. This week I want to talk about a Stepmothers worse fear.
I am late on posting because the events that happened took place on the day I normally would be writing and posting on Friday. It has been a whirlwind of emotions since Thursday afternoon.
What you want as a stepmother
As a stepmother, you want to have a relationship with your stepchildren. I thought I had that with my stepdaughter. I have put so much time and energy to have somewhat of a relationship. Thursday night took a turn for the worse. We found out Mikayla cut her hair by herself. She waited for me to leave and her dad was in a different room.
Mind you she is 11 years old. When I found the hair in my sink. I was upset. I wanted to know why she did it. We have never denied her the opportunity to do anything with her hair except for dying it black. (that is from personal experience). I asked why she did it, and Mikayla responded she saw it on TikTok. I asked to see her phone because I want to see what TikTok she was talking about.
Found out more than we wanted to
That opened a whole can of worms. We found out she was talking to the boy we told her not to be talking to. The first time was back in February. That inspired the post regarding 10 ways to boost your daughters’ low self-esteem. This kid is not good for her mental health. He is very manipulative.
Because of this, I read her messages between them. It got a whole lot worse. She had told him things she should not have. Talked a lot of crap about her mom, her stepdad, Mike, and myself.
A stepmother’s worse fear
With that little back story. I found a message on there that was directed at me and how I can’t have kids because of PCOS. Mikayla and this little boy made me the butt of a joke. That broke me. I don’t think I can ever look at Mikayla the same. If I do it will be a while from now.
I was upset about that. But it got so much worse after we confronted Mikayla. These messages between her and this boy were mind-blowing. Mike and I had to walk out of the room. That’s when Mikayla told my sister that she feels like I am not part of her family.
My sister told me what Mikayla said later on that night and it broke me. I have been telling Mike for the past couple of months. I feel like the third wheel in our household. Especially when it comes to her and Mike. I feel like I shouldn’t be there. To hear that is what she said just confirmed everything I had been thinking and feeling.
Wasting my time as a stepmother
The reason I wrote about being mentally and emotionally exhausted. I put all of the energy I had into helping Mikayla and building her self-esteem. She acted grateful at the time but told multiple friends that basically she didn’t want my help.
I wasted so much time and effort thought I was helping her and we were building a relationship. Just to find out it was a joke. My heart hurts. I am so crushed. I am just the mean ugly stepmother. Something I never wanted to be.
Being the stepmother mediator
I was the mediator between Mikayla, her mom, and her dad. I had long conversations about what she wanted as an 11-year-old. She wanted all of us to trust her and give her an option. She wanted a choice in what happens in her life. Going to our house or staying at her mom’s. She felt like no one listened to her so I did. I have always listened and spoken with her mom and dad.
We came to the decision to give her more trust and choices. Only to find out she has been lying to all of us since February. We told her in January to stop talking to this boy. All that trust is gone. I am the one left hurting the most. Because she took the one thing that hurts me every day, week, month, and year into a joke.
Being open and honest as a stepmother
Wanting to be honest with her I opened up to her that I wanted a child because I wanted to expand our family. I wanted to feel the unconditional love from a child of my own. I will never be anyone’s number one. Mike has 2 kids prior to me, and Mikayla has both her parents. I will never be someone’s number one. Longing for a relationship like she does with her mom and dad because I was jealous.
I am used to being last on everyone’s list. If I had my own child I would be their mom. I would hear the words coming from their mouth calling out for mama. It would have been towards me, not anyone else. That all I want is for someone to love me because I am THEIR mother.
Being the butt of a joke
To be used as the butt of a joke killed me. I know I will have a hard time getting pregnant. That just killed me. Every time I think about having a kid now it is going to be followed by that joke. I already beat myself up for my body hating me. I am so upset at my body for not giving me the one thing I want. The thing I want MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. To know others talk about it hurts.
Already being a stepmother you are not appreciated or recognized. You do all the same things their birth mother does but are still pushed to the sidelines. Most of the time I am okay with that and keep in mind that they are a kid. They don’t realize, but it just hurts when you find out. When your stepdaughter talked more shit about you than any other person in her life.
Getting recognition as a stepmother
Mike feels horrible about what Mikayla said. Her mother recognized me and what I do and posted a Facebook status last month showing her appreciation. While on the phone with Mikayla explained that I do a lot for her that she doesn’t realize I do. That what she said was horrible and she knew it would hurt me.
I love my stepdaughter don’t doubt that, but right now I don’t like her. With what she said I have every right not to like her right now. I have done nothing but build her up, and make her feel loved and this is what I get. My worse fears get thrown in my face and made into a joke. These wounds are still fresh and I am bawling my eyes out while writing this. I have broken it down numerous times.
Getting this off my chest
I just needed to get this off my chest to somewhat feel better. It didn’t work I just feel worse. It is going to take a lot of work to repair the relationship between me and Mikayla. Every time I look at her I see those things she said and I just get mad all over again. I am not closing off our relationship, I just need some time. With all that has happened, I still love her and I can’t undo that. I can’t just stop loving her because she had a poor lapse in judgment. We all make mistakes, but good lord this mistake hurt A LOT. I have found comfort in the site Stepmomming.com
To Mikayla, from your stepmother
You may just think you are being funny when talking to your friends, but it hurt me a lot. You could have said anything else about me and I probably wouldn’t have cared as much. Fine, you think I am a bitch cool, I am not here to be your friend. You think I am annoying because I tell you to do chores. Whatever I am teaching you how to clean up after yourself as an adult. You don’t like it when I tell you to journal. Too bad sweetie you don’t like talking to people about your feelings. You need to get them out somehow. Whatever you could have said I wouldn’t have cared…Just DONT USE MY INFERTILITY AS A JOKE. That is a low blow.
I will be pulling back my input right now and just need to be alone. This situation just turned my world upside down. I hope she reads this and understands I do love her. I may not accept your apology right now, but I will eventually. We are family (even if you don’t think so, I still do) I just need time to process what just happened, and I am sure you do too. Please think long and hard about the things you say. Those mean things you said can and will push people away.
I hope you learn and grow from this. Eventually, we will get past this, but it will take time. I still love you I just don’t like you right now.
34 thoughts on “A Stepmother’s worse fear when joining a new family”
I couldn’t imagine being a step parent. My hubby is a step parent two my two kids and birth father to one. Just remember the teenage years are the hardest . And one day she won’t be lashing out like this .
I know. It’s just hard. I knew she was having it rough bouncing between mom and dad’s place. I wanted to be that one person she could talk to and thought I was until this. It gutted me man.
Oh, Michele, I am so sorry for what you’ve been going through. I think I would have been super mean and the phone would have been gone along with all access to technology. I do have two bonus kids, but they are both grown now. It was rocky with the younger one at first, but now, six years later, we have an awesome relationship. My advice is to not give up, but to maintain some distance. She’s shown she isn’t mature enough to handle sensitive matters. If it makes it feel better, all teenagers (especially the ones you give birth to) are obnoxious and evil when they are 16-17–my mom says it’s because they want you to tell them it’s okay to leave home. I hope it gets better for you soon.
I would expect this at 16-17, but she is 11. I have been in her life for 8 years.
I can’t imagine what your going through but I will say that she will eventually come around. Give her some time and perhaps try to have a conversation again with her letting her know how it made you feel. She is at a tough age trying to find her independence and her way in life. Not that her actions are warranted but as my wife says kids are a mess until those dam frontal lobes develop. I hope it works out for you. Be strong.
Reading this really made me feel for you and your current situation. I think you need some time at the moment to be able to reflect on this and realize that so much of this is the immaturity of your stepdaughter who still has much growing-up to do. Not that it hurts any less right now. One day she will be in a position to understand more and in the meanwhile, I hope you will be able to insulate yourself a bit to limit the effect of her childish behaviour and resulting ability to affect you. Best wishes to you.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. being a third wheel feels horrible, being sad the meanest and most painful comments is the worst, for me it feels even worse as she knew it would hurt you and said it to hurt you more. It’s ok to be angry I think, it’s ok not to like her right now. virtually hugging you
adolescent and teen years can be difficult – need a lot of patience and understanding to get through them.
Wow! I am not in your shoes but I feel like you’ve written so emotionally that I can catch a glimpse of what it’d be like to be in a stepmother role.
I hope you’re able to find Grace with her and Grace for yourself for you both to be able to process your emotions well and that you’ll be able to turn this negative and hard time into a positive learning experience for your bonus baby.
With Love!!! <3
I hope she learns a lesson from this. I hope this whole situation has changed her outlook on life. Lately, she has been such a negative nancy about everything. Kids today are acting like they are grown-ass adults. She is 11 and so are her friends… they all need to start acting like it.
Your experience shook me. I can’t even imagine anyting like thing. You are strong.. And with time she will love you, accept you.
I could never understand what it is to be a step-mother or step-father. I hope it gets easier for all of them at large.
It’s so heartbreaking to feel the betrayal. I could almost see your heart breaking into tiny pieces. I hope that both of you could find healing and start all over again as a family.
She could have said ANYTHING about me and I wouldn’t have cared as much, but to use the one thing that she has seen me cry over numerous times just by talking about it. It hits you hard.
I am very sorry that this happend to you. I could not even imaginate how you felt after giving your whole heart to that little girl. I hope it gets better. I sometimes do not like my kids, I love them to death, but sometimes they can be little s*its, so that is perfectly fine to feel after what happend
I agree with you. I love her to death, but I don’t like her right now. I don’t like being upset with her, but damn man. I want things to go back to normal, but I can’t just ignore what was said.
I am sorry that this has happen to you. I had a step-grandmother and our relationship is ok, but when I was younger, I questioned her relationship with me as she wasn’t blood-related. Hugs to you!
What bothers me the most about her feeling as if I am not part of her family is that she has a stepdad and yet she doesn’t say the same thing about him. That is what I don’t understand. I have never tried to replace her mother or make her think her mother is less than. I wanted more than anything to just be her friend, someone who is not her mother, someone who will never be her mother. Because I will NEVER be her mother. She has one. I wanted friendship and a relationship different than what she has with her mother and father.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through Michele, sending much love your way <3 <3 You are incredibly kind in the way you are dealing with this, I don't think I would have the strength to do that! Hope things improve between you and Mikayla soon. Hugs!
It has been a battle because I know she didn’t mean it… Or least I hope she didn’t. If she was an adult I probably would have reacted way worse. I know she is a child and she doesn’t always know that her words can have consequences.
wow thanks for being real and vulnerable. My wife lost her mother at a very young age so spent a good time of her life with a step mother. It is never easy to replace a mother and you are doing a great job and trying your best and being introspective and writing about it. You are giving it your best shot kudos to you and putting it on pater
Sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you lately. Parenting can be difficult and being a step parent must be even harder. I hope that things will get better soon, at least a little bit.
Me too. These past 2 weeks I am just exhausted. I had no motivation to do anything. I am slowly starting to feel my normal self.
I’m so sorry that this happened 🙁 I am not a mother or a stepmother but I can understand how hurt you’d be at a comment like that when you are doing everything for your step daughters. I am experienced in putting my foot in my mouth so I understand how she may not have realized what she was saying or how it would effect you. Hang in there, you are a great step mother <3
Yeah, I know she feels bad. I know she probably said it just to say it. Like most pre-teens or teenagers say things but don’t mean it. Maybe she did at the moment, but that’s not how she feels overall. I let her know how upset and hurt I felt, but I would treat her any differently or make her feel awkward to be around me. I said what I had to say and now the ball is in her court to bring it up.
I can’t even imagine what being a step parent is like, but I’m sure it isn’t easy for anyone. Kids can be cruel, especially when they know what pushes your buttons or what is a sensitive subject for you. My best advice is simply to stop telling her things that she can use to hurt you later on. Your struggles are not her business, in my opinion. My heart hurts for you and the extra pain she has caused you, and it will take a long time to heal from that kind of damage. Sending you lots of hugs!
Stepmothers sometimes over invest. Just relax and love your man and when and if the children want and need you they will let you know.
One day she will realize that everything you do for her is with good intentions. While 11 might be a little young for TikTok, but I don’t blame her because “all the kids my age use it.” I have a little sister who’s 12 and is already on Snapchat and messaging people online too. It’s definitely an angsty age, I remember saying a lot of things I didn’t mean at that age. Thanks for sharing this very genuine, thoughtful piece and I hope everything works out for you
I’m so sorry to read about your experience with your stepdaughter. As a stepchild myself, I definitely lashed out at my mom’s partner a lot, even though I was already grown up when they met. It’s such a complicated relationship. But I also appreciate all that he does for my mom and our family, and I tell everyone about ‘my mom’s cool partner who used to be a jeweller’. As you write, sometimes, family fights but that doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. Wishing you and your stepdaughter all the best and hopefully you can work through this together.
It might be hard for the kids to accept and live but you are trying makes you a great stepmother and she will realize it later.
Thank y ou for sharing your personal experience. As a stepdaughter myself, I am lucky to say I have no negative experience with my Step-dad. Just be patience with everything and keep doing you. Everything will get better.
I am sorry for this. I guess, you need time. Someday, she will realized it and accept what family like she have now. Having a broken family at the same time is really hard for kids, sometimes this is the reason why they are stubborn. You both need love and understaning. Hopefully you will be both Ok, someday.
I’m not sure what would be the best words to say for you to feel better. I’m not a stepmother and I’m not sure if I can say the right word to feel you better. But as a normal mum, I can say that atleast you have this space in the web to share and open up what you feel, it helps me writing in my blog what I feel as if I have a sounding board, I hope in this way you feel better as well. I know it’s not easy to find the sense of belongingness and everything heals on the right time. For now I think your doing a great job! Keep it up!
Thank you, Anne. It has been rough since I wrote this post. She hadn’t come to our house for a month and half. She finally came over last weekend, but still, couldn’t apologize. I want to get over this hump, but every time I look at her I just see all the stuff she said about me. As of right now, I don’t know where we stand. I like using my blog to voice real-life situations that others may be able to relate to.
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