Starting over after leaving my abusive relationship

If you were in an abusive relationship, would you be able to start over?

I was in a five-year abusive relationship that did not end well. To say it was not all rainbows and sunshine during the relationship. It was one of the scariest things I had to do. This meant opening a new chapter in my life. The chapter called being alone. Starting over after leaving an abusive relationship, I did so, can you…

Is the new chapter really that bad?

I felt being alone was the worse thing that could happen. It was an abusive relationship and I was so down in the dumps. I had nothing. no job, no friends, no car and felt as if no one would want me, because of that I felt like I had to stay. This left me broken, bruised and beaten. I had a hole inside me that I thought was never going to close.

Being free from the relationship for a while now. Not wanting to talk about what happened back then. This is what I like to call “The Dark Era” I can reflect on the situation, I can now ask myself was being alone all that bad? I mean I was pretty much used to it during the whole 5 years. I already felt alone, so why shouldn’t I actually be alone. The question I asked myself a lot was how was I starting over after leaving an abusive relationship?

Was it like this in the beginning?

It didn’t start out as an abusive relationship. The first 11 months were fantastic. He was my knight in shining armor. He was so romantic and said all the right things. We were a match made in heaven. He wanted to spend all his time with me when we weren’t working. We were 2 peas in a pod. Nothing could tear us apart… or so I thought.

When we met I had a job but I didn’t have a car, but I was managing my way to work. He offered me his old car to use. Since his boss got him a new one. I was hesitant, but he insisted. So I did. It would be easier for staying at his house I could leave his house and go to work. Very sweet and considerate…

Moving in too soon

A couple of months later he suggested we should move in together. I’m was always at his house anyway and he wants to see me every day…and again very sweet.

6 months into our relationship he comments about how he would love to work with his girlfriend. He gloats about how we would get to see each other every day. We could hang out all day together to get to know each other more to make our relationship stronger.

Very very sweet. Also, he mentioned how he wouldn’t have to pay a helper anymore and all the money could go to the house. Yet, he would say this every other day and I finally agreed.

I missed the red flags

Looking back there were 3 red flags. Letting me use your car to hold over me in case anything happens. Moving in with you, so you could watch every move I make, especially in your car. Then getting me to quit my job to work with you. Now I am completely 100% reliant on you for everything.

What happened to cause the abuse to start?

I couldn’t tell you what happened. Many many nights I cried thinking it was me. I would rack my brain going over all the things that had happened. With all the arguments and petty disagreements.

Our relationship started getting physical, as well as emotional abuse. This is my first “real” relationship, it must have been me. He was older than me and I was too young and immature.

I must have been the reason. During the arguments, he would always point out what I did wrong, causing me to get upset. He would then come to apologize. Yet, I would apologize too and take all the responsibility off of him.

Surprise surprise… ladies and gents, still to this day I have no idea what changed. I was not the cause of what happened in our relationship. At that time I knew I had to figure out how to start over after leaving this abusive relationship.

What made me finally leave the abuse?

One day I took the plunge and moved out after a bad night. Before I wouldn’t have gone into detail but again I can talk about it. I don’t cry thinking about it or get emotional. It bothers me I let this happen, but it made me who I am today… but more on that later.

Abusive Reason #1

Throughout all this crap, I was the one who was always home and always tried to make things work or be better. Yet, on many anniversaries I would walk out to the living room and see a chick sitting on the couch or at my computer. That he was on a “date” with or sometimes he wouldn’t even come home he would text me he was going out on a date with them.

The next day he would come back home apologizing and saying he wouldn’t do it again. He would say all the right things resulting in me forgiving him. (Mind you I am not exaggerating how mentally eff’d up I was) This started out as mental abuse…

Abusive Reason #2

The constant arguments about how much of a piece of crap I was for not cleaning the house. Mind you I couldn’t clean the house. Let me paint you guys a picture. Your grandmother lived in the house before you. She passes and all her stuff is there. Now your mother owns the house and stores her “extra” stuff there and then you end up moving in with all your stuff.

Now we have 3 generations of people’s personal belongings in the house. Then I move in with my stuff. So, make that 4 people’s personal stuff and you wouldn’t let me get rid of anything or move it. You had a walkway from the front door to through the living room through the kitchen to your bedroom. For that, it makes me a piece of crap for not being able to clean the house?

Abusive Reason #3

When I was getting thousands of dollars back from loans while in college. Everything was great. Not realizing I would have to pay that money back. I took the money to help pay for things, to “buy” him things. Everything would be great. He would treat me like the center of attention, the most precious thing in the world.

Yet, I was back to being the piece of shit, a moocher when the money was gone. In the midst of all these arguments, it got abusive. Kicking me in my back, grabbing my arms when yelling at me, pushing me into walls. (I know most of you who are reading this thinking OH MYLANTA she is crazy for staying, trust me I can agree with you now)

When will freedom come?

It had been a couple of months since he had broken up with me, but we were still living together in separate rooms. He decided he was into this new chick blah blah blah. I was dating someone else. Yet, it didn’t work out because I was living with him still. I completely understand. The situation I put myself in was not ideal and no one should be in a relationship while still living with their ex.

When this part happened we weren’t together. Yet, any chance he got he would tell me how much he missed me and how he was stupid for letting me go. I wasn’t falling for it. He and I had made the agreement. After I had cleaned out everything and made space for myself. I could live in the front room till I found a job and saved up enough money to move out.

But, what happened next, happened many times during our relationship. I thought because we were in a relationship it didn’t mean anything.

When the abuser still thinks I’m his

This one night after not being together for months. We had been in a semi-good place. While out with friends I had too much to drink. Not being coherent enough to find my keys I called him and asked for him to unlock the front door for me.

The door was still locked 15 minutes later when I am dropped off at home. I dumped all my stuff out of my purse finally finding my keys. Shoving all my stuff back in my purse, unlocked the door, and made my way to my room. About to change into my pajamas, I decide you know what “ I’m way too drunk for this” and went to bed naked.

No Means No

Yet, shortly after going to bed feeling like I was going to vomit. I got up in a rush, not even thinking, and ran through the living room to the bathroom. Then I opened the door and vomited everywhere. I left it all there, being too drunk to deal with it. (So embarrassing I KNOW) On my way back to my bedroom HE was standing in the kitchen. I covered myself up explaining what happened. I said “I’m going to bed now” and walked to my room.

He decided to follow me into my room. I won’t go into too much detail on this part, but tried to have his way with me and wouldn’t stop till I was bawling my eyes out. When he realized I was bawling my eyes, that’s when he got up and left, as if nothing had happened.

When enough is enough

Somehow in my drunken state, I ended up calling my recent ex-boyfriend. Who told me to call the cops and I was hesitant, I tried justifying it on the phone to my ex. Saying things like “nothing really happened”, “I mean he wasn’t in all the way”, I was drunk, I was in the living room naked”. Trying to justify what happened, as I had done many times before in our relationship. I was taking all the responsibility off of him and putting it on me. That it was my fault because I was drunk, because I was naked and because I went to the bathroom naked. That I somehow was asking for this to happen. So I wasn’t going to call the cops… My ex got upset with me and hung up on me.

A half-hour later, I was taken back when the cops showed up at my house. I sobered up pretty quick to talk to them, one of them made a comment like Are you, Michele? You went to Ridgewood High School?. I said “Yeah” and they replied, “Yeah, We went to school with you”. So now I’m thinking great I am telling 2 classmates that I am completely beyond wasted and was sexually assaulted. They stood there like they could care less about the situation because I was drunk.

They told me that a female sergeant would be coming out to help with the situation. So I thought “Alright she is going to listen to what I have to say. She will believe everything I am saying, even though I was/am drunk… The Sergeant is going to throw the book at him for what he did. She will know what he did was wrong!”

When the Cops didn’t even stop the abuse

Boy oh Boy was I wrong. She proceeded to tell me that we have had a previous relationship. That it’s a man being a man trying to see how far he could go with an ex-girlfriend. I was SHOCKED You mean to tell me because we have had a previous relationship he can do WHATEVER…HE…WANTED…

The only thing they did for me was to tell him to go stay somewhere else for the night. Out of all that, that was the only thing they could do. So he went and stayed at his mother’s for the night and spent the next 2 days avoiding each other. I knew right then and there that something had to change. I could no longer live here knowing something like that could happen at any moment. Who knows if it would happen again and that time he doesn’t stop at all.

Moving out of an abusive household

Within those 2 days of avoiding each other. I convinced my mother to let me stay with her. So now that I had a place to go. I needed to find help moving since I didn’t have a car. I had a friend Jennifer who I met at karaoke one night. We had bonded over being in similar situations and said any time day or night, she would help me move. So one day I took her up on her offer. I needed help starting over after leaving this abusive relationship.

So while he was at work, I packed up everything I could and moved it outside while waiting for Jennifer. Did I want to move back in with my mother, no, but I had no choice. Living with my mother in her 55+ apartment. I had to pretend I was over a lot to help take care of her because we didn’t want her to be kicked out because I was there.

The repercussions of leaving an abuser

That day I was so scared of what would happen when he came home. A part of me was relieved I was out like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe, but I knew shit was going to hit the fan once he got home and realized I was gone. That night I went to my sister’s house to hang out and it was there in the midst of having a relaxing night, I got the call.

It was him. I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. Telling my sister… I am starting over after leaving this abusive relationship. No longer do I have to answer or listen to him, I don’t have to do what he says. I don’t have to answer this phone.”

He must have called me 15-20 times, leaving voicemails each time saying. “I am going to find you, You stole stuff. You had to move out while I was at work, couldn’t do it while I was here. I know you are at your sister, I going to come over.” I thought he might actually come over, I was scared for my life.

All the while calling my sister as well. My sister answered the phone telling him “ I don’t know where she is, but she is not here. Don’t you come to my house I will call the cops.” This went on for days. Then one day it stopped all of a sudden. The phone calls stopped.

Rebuilding myself after the Abuse

8 months had gone by and I still was jobless and living with my mother. I never felt more down about myself. Still wondering how I was starting over after leaving an abusive relationship. I opened Facebook and saw a post from a friend that the hotel they worked at was hiring. So I messaged Lauren saying “Hook a sister up”, she replied, “Come on down”. I got dressed in a hurry and took the bus down to the hotel. Lauren told me the bosses would be right back, they went to the bank. Sitting there waiting, I filled out the application.

Starting over after leaving an abusive relationship

2 hours later I was still sitting there waiting… Thinking I hope they can see how much I want this job. After 2 hours, I left taking the bus back home to my mother’s. An hour later Edwin called to say they were back and they wanted to meet with me. Unfortunately, I had no more change for the bus and neither did my mom. So, I posted on Facebook and texted everyone I knew who could take me. My friend Brian said he could. So he picked me up and took me to my interview.

I got the job in housekeeping because I had experience doing it before I had met the ex ( you know the job I quit for him). I had worked at an Assisted Living Facility doing housekeeping and laundry. That was my saving grace. After that, I threw myself into working and making as much money as possible. Within a month or so, Brian had brought up his roommate had up and left in the middle of the night. He would be looking for a new roommate. I offered. I love my mom, but we are “The Odd Couple” (you know that show). We can’t live together for long periods of time.

Within a week I moved into Brian’s and it all changed from there. That is how I started over after leaving an abusive relationship. The hardest relationship I had ever been in. The relationship that had made me feel the worse I had ever felt in my life. He stripped me of my dignity, my sanity, and what little self-worth I had. I never thought I would be out of that situation.

Reach out for help

For anyone who is in a similar situation, please know it is NOT OK. It is NOT OK to be treated as property or like you are less than. You are not owned by anyone and you definitely are not less than. If I could get out, so can you. Reach out to someone you can trust. Someone who can help you when starting over after leaving an abusive relationship. If no one will help you, please message me and I will help you in any way that I can.

It wasn’t easy. It was a long hard process, that I am still dealing with today. Some of my previous feelings creep into my current relationship. It took some time and a lot of talks with myself to get to where I am today. A lot of daily affirmations. I had to repeat so many times that I am worthy of love, I am smarter, I am kinder and I am so much more than what any man thinks of me. Check out our about us page to see how my life has changed. Since starting over after leaving an abusive relationship

If you have been or know someone who has been in a similar situation. What is some advice you would give to a woman who is starting over after leaving an abusive relationship? What words of encouragement could you provide when they are trying to get the courage to leave? Also for men, Do feel that it is OK to treat a woman like this?

Until Next Time, Have a good day!