This is how I went about creating a relationship with my stepdaughter.
I felt really disconnected from my stepdaughter. I wanted to have a relationship with her. Being a parent or even a step-parent in my case is very hard to relate to kids today. Especially, if you are not up to date on the “hip” and “cool” things they are into. Is there any other parent who had no idea what your child was talking about when they were trying to explain Minecraft?
Yeah, I didn’t either. While that may be true, I used to just look at her and smile while nodding my head throwing out the occasional *WOW, OMG, and What no way! So cool”. (Hey don’t judge, fake it until you make is my saying) To be honest though, I kinda still don’t get it, but I’m okay with that. However, do not get me started on “Five Nights at Freddie’s”
I never thought I would have a special hobby with my stepkids. I really thought I would be known as the uncool stepmom for eternity. However, one day I picked up Mikayla from her mom’s and she says to me randomly. “Seashell (She couldn’t say, Michele when she was younger, she said it and it stuck), I don’t know you as well as I think I should. (Pause right there) at that moment in my head, all I could think of was how this was the moment… its either going to make or break you guys. (Be cool Michele, Don’t freak out…DON’T FREAK OUT)
A relationship will happen Don’t freak out, maybe… hopefully
It’s hard being a step-parent. I spent years wondering if my step-kids like me. Although being with their father for 7 years now, I know they do. However, it was very hard to find something in common with them besides their father. Nonetheless, at that moment the best words I have ever heard were going to come from her mouth… “We should go do something just us without dad…” (OK, IM FREAKING OUT NOW inside, not outside. Come on I’m not a newb.) I calmly agreed.
I tried very hard to not be pushy but I asked her if she had any questions for me now since we were alone in the car. Her response, showing her future FOX news reporting self, holding me in suspense as she thought of a question. I am freaking out she is showing interest in me, don’t blow this!
She looks up at me and says ever so calmly “What it… Ummm… your favorite color?”
REALLY!! That’s what you wanna know? Stump me with the hard-hitting questions. I plead the fifth… Just kidding. However, that was my real response to her and she laughed. I told her it was purple. Although, We didn’t really get to do anything together till months later.
Music creating relationships
We have always made it our mission not to spend too much time in front of a screen. I feel it is part of my responsibility to mold and shape our children’s minds into well-functioning citizens in this crazy, ever-changing world. I feel like sometimes that doesn’t really happen when your children are always on a screen, be it via video games, YouTube, tablets, phones, Etc… You get it. We had some much fun being kids outside and I want Mikayla to experience that. I knew I knew creating a relationship with my stepdaughter wouldn’t happen if we only spent time with electronics.
If Rome wasn’t built in a day, your relationship cant be either
One day months later, Mike had to work out of town on a Saturday. Which means Mikayla and I were home by ourselves. I put on music to clean like I normally do and was jamming out singing. Music gets me very zen and in a positive mindset, but apparently, it also means I sing to myself… A LOT. It has become such a normal thing in my house to the point where my stepdaughter has started to do it, which now has turned into our bonding time. FINALLY… IT HAPPENED A BOND IS FORMING!
We somehow got into singing karaoke on YouTube. We sat there for hours and just sang and laughed. She tried recording some songs for YouTube, but she got too scared. In other words, it ended up just being me singing.
At this time Mikayla is 6 or 7 years old, she finally got into singing. 3 years later it is still our favorite thing to do when dad is not home. Still, hours are spent wasting time singing. It’s crazy how music can bring people together. I remember the song that brought us together was “Lost boy by Ruth B”. It’s such a beautiful song. Take a listen sometime if you haven’t heard it.
My stepdaughter likes me… she really likes me?
However, 4 years later Mikayla tells us she has decided to enter her school’s talent show. Specifically, she wanted to sing. To my surprise, I didn’t think she would ever do it because even though she and I sang together. Mikayla had very bad stage fright. Despite having that fear, she ROCKED it. In other words, She didn’t move on the stage at all but still did an amazing job.
It may be selfish, but throughout her performance I thought, did I inspire her? Did I help her decide to do this? Did I have a good influence on her? Not that I’m looking for the answers to take all the credit, but I like to think our late-night karaoke sessions did have some kind of impact on her.
Creating a relationship with my stepdaughter
The moral of this little “Story Time with Michele”, is that if you are finding it hard to relate to your kids or kids in general. Just pay a little attention to them and show you are willing to listen (even if you still don’t get it) and be your awesome, goofy self… eventually, they will come around. You will end up creating a bond that no one could ever replace. It was the best thing I could have done when creating a relationship with my stepdaughter.
Above all, She is and always will be my favorite duet partner for home karaoke. I can’t wait till she gets older and we can sing in public more. You know because even though I am a parent… I still like karaoke. I hope you all enjoyed this post, please comment and let me know what your special hobby with your kids is? After you do that head on over to our Facebook group where we can continue the conversation. Unless you wanna get to know my family (click here) a little bit more, check out our first post. I’ll look for you over there.
Until next time, Have a great day!
16 thoughts on “Creating a relationship with my stepdaughter”
Lots of great insight here, it will help a lot of people I’m sure.
So good that you found something fun to do together – I suppose things happen when you least expect it 🙂
Yeah, I didn’t expect it to be singing, but music does bring people together.
Creating a relationship at first is hard. But eventually, sure, you’ll gain her trust, and everything will be alright.
It’s really hard connecting with someone who did not grow up with you but as long as you have love, it can work.
Yeah, I understand that.
it’s funny but each of my friends, who has a stepparent, has a stronger bound with him or her than with his or her biological parents. Your post is great and I start thinking that ‘rule’ I see among my friends goes from stepparent’s desire to build this relationship while birth parents often take it for granted
It has gotten harder now that she is older. 8 years later we are back to square one. Just something I have to deal with for now.
Kids go through many different stages as they grow, don’t give up it will all work out.
I hope so.
Having a stepkid is can be challenging as you don’t know what kind of relationship you can foster and the kid does too. I didn’t know what kind of relationship I was supposed to have with my stepgrandma, so it was a long process of getting to know her and accepting her as part of the family.
It just sucks because she accepts her stepdad more than she does me.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us! I am not yet a grand parent but I could share this with my family of your insights. 🙂
I completely agree. Building relationships like with your step kids takes time and effort. But, in the end, it’s all going to be worth it.
What a great post! This is a relationship that is so important
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