20 Lessons I’ve Learned From My 10 Year Relationship

It is that time of that year… Mike and I’s anniversary… but this is a big one. On Monday, June 13th it will be officially 10 years together. What a wild fuckin ride man. This is also officially the longest relationship that each of us has been in. With all that being said it hasn’t always been rainbows and butterflies. During our 10 year relationship. I think I have learned some pretty good lessons about what it means to be in a relationship. So I wanted to share what I have learned.

If you want to read about our first date you can read about here Celebrating 8 years together. I am not going to drag this out… But also how cool is it to basically learn 2 lessons a year… LOL Always been a forever learner. Let’s get into the 20 Lessons I’ve Learned From My 10 Year Relationship.

Don’t play games – I said from day one when I got into a relationship with Mike that I wasn’t going to play games. It never worked in any other relationship. Not once have I said the phrases to him. “you know why I am upset” or “if you don’t know figure it out”. Anytime something has bothered me in our relationship I have just explained “you did XYZ. It made me feel XYZ. Next time could you do XYZ.” I lay everything out so there is no room for confusion and I expect him to do the same with me.

You come first – It took me many many years to realize putting myself first does not mean I love him or anyone else in my life any less. If anything it makes me love them more. I always did this in all of my relationships, friendships, and even with family. I would put everyone ahead of my own wants needs and desires because I thought I was showing love. But all it did was really drain me while everyone else was living their best life. When I put myself first I feel good all around. I can show more love and appreciation when my needs are met first. It may feel weird at first. It may feel selfish but know that it is not.

50/50 Does Not Work – Anyone who says relationships should be 50/50 shouldn’t be in a relationship. You are asking a person to give you 50% of what you are worth. All relationships, friendships… whatever… It needs to be 100% from each party involved. You have to put in the effort.

Conflict is normal – Since getting into a relationship with Mike a saying I ALWAYS say is that we are 2 different people, raised 2 different ways with 2 different outlooks on life. We will not always see eye to eye. It is fine to not 100% agree with someone. But you work through it even if the outcome is to agree to disagree.

It’s All About Communication – In our 10 year relationship, our communication skills with each other have gotten better. Communication is something you always have to work towards. You may not realize how you are saying something or how the other person hears it. Sometimes you may say something with an attitude and the other person calls you out on it. If you didn’t mean to say it with an attitude apologize and try saying it again in a different way.

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Be each other’s best friend – Mike knows me better than most people. Why because he is my best friend. We have never had to censor ourselves around each other. Even if we don’t like what the other is saying. That is a lie. Kinda LOL there are a few words Mike says that I wish he wouldn’t say but it is how he was raised in Lynn, Mass. I call him out on it, but I don’t hold it against him though. In 10 years we are still learning so much about each other that we didn’t know. We support each other in anything we do and call each other out when we need to.

Learn your partner’s love language – I know my love language but Mike needs to take this quiz. I am curious to see his love language. I think his would love language would be gifts and physical touch. Mine is words of affirmation and acts of service. Really I could be all of them, but those two really hit home for me.

Make time as a couple – Make time to do something you wouldn’t normally do. Although we are in a 10 year relationship date nights need to be different than regular nights out. We can go out to eat any time of the week. Plan something special that can include food, but is NOT the MAIN focus. We do slack on this a bit, but we are working on making it a regular thing. Since we are homebodies, it’s hard to find things to do outside the home. We are clueless. But it could also be done in the house, so that’s not an excuse. LOL

Compromise is a two-way street – This one we have to work on constantly because as I said before when I talked about how conflicts are normal… we are 2 different people, raised 2 different ways with 2 different outlooks on life. We have to be willing to compromise because we are a team. We are not to be against each other. It is VERY HARD to compromise when SOMEONE (wink, wink) is VERY STUBBORN!!! (cough, Mike, cough) Don’t deny it.

Go to bed angry – I was ALWAYS a person who wanted to resolve our issue before we went to bed. However, that did not work for Mike. I am a very much an in-your-face let’s talk it out kind of person RIGHT THERE AND THEN. Mike is not. Mike is very laid back. He needs time to process what I have said to him. But won’t say that. (cough, stubborn, cough) So now that I know that about him. Sometimes it is fine to go to bed angry and just say “hey, let’s table this till tomorrow. We can sleep on it and circle back to it at a later time”. This is fine as long as you do EVENTUALLY circle back to it. The one rule for going to bed angry is… end it on a positive note. Not saying something mean and hurtful to the other person.

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Expect Change – A person can change… it is to be expected. What we liked when we first got together might not be the same now 10 years later. Expect change and don’t be thrown off guard when it happens. Embrace it because as I said Be each other’s best friend. It gives you a chance to keep finding out things about each other. You will always have something to talk about.

Find a joint activity, project, or hobby – This one is something new we have been doing. It started with making homemade hot sauce and starting an urban homestead. Then morphed into going to different pepper festivals like the I like it hot fest and Pinellas Pepper Fest, and now it is making TikToks. LOL… Well, it’s me teaching him how to edit videos because when I started TikTok at the beginning of the Panini… He thought it was stupid, but now he has so much fun making them and showing me what he has created. I can’t wait to see what else we work on together.

Boredom can happen – Bordeom happens in a relationship. Especially in a 10 year relationship or longer. Sometimes life gets in the way. Things become a little routine-ish. You kinda just start going through the motions and things have to be put on the back burner. Make sure that it is only TEMPORARY. A little boredom once in a while is no biggie, but DON’T GO LOOKIN FOR OUTSIDE EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES!

Create a couple’s routine – I know I just spoke about routines, but this is a good routine. Most nights we try to go to bed together at the same time. We try to do this as often as possible, but sometimes we just want to sleep. First is we ALWAYS kiss goodnight. Second, If we cuddle before going to bed we tell the other person something they love about them that they did that day.

Our silliest conversations and best inside jokes are made when we are lying in bed trying to go to sleep. Create a cute little routine for you guys to show appreciation for one another.

Money – Money is one thing Mike and I sometimes can not see eye to eye on. I am frugal. Always has been, and always will be. I grew up poor and will always be cautious of how money is spent. I have been without food, drinks, and electricity. I won’t live like that again. He on the other hand has always said “I work hard for my money I should be able to spend it”. Which I agree with to a certain point. For the first few years of our relationship, he thought I was trying to control him and his money. I wasn’t. I would never do that. When he cashed his check I would take out his half of the bills/savings and give him what was left.

Fast-forward to now he gives me his whole paycheck without asking. I pay what we need to pay and as always make sure he has enough money for the week. I never deny him anything he wants. The only thing I ask is that if it is a big purchase we create a sinking fund for it. So we are not dropping a bunch of money all at once that could potentially be taking money from bills. Our system is not perfect, but it is better than what is was when we first got together.

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Don’t make arguments a competition – This creeps up every once in a while and I am trying to nip it in the butt. When I say “I have had such a stressful day at work. He replies “Stressful?? Try working my job. Outside in the sun all day for 12-14 hours”. DON’T DO THAT!! Don’t minimize what your partner does just because it is different from what you do. It doesn’t make things any better because now it seems you are trying to one-up your partner and it shouldn’t be like that.

Don’t let arguments last long – I have known couples who drag out arguments over a week or two. Don’t do that. It is just a waste of time. Our “argument” lasts anywhere from one conversation to a max of 24 hours. Because again we talked about needing to take some space and maybe go to bed mad to just think things over. He wakes up and goes to work. I do my work from home and then come back to finish the conversation at the end of the day. Or we will talk about it during the day so our evening is free to do whatever. The longer you are in an argument the more time you are taking away from working on your relationship and making it the best one yet. Dragging out arguments is childish and petty.

Have your own goals – Mike and I have always been on the same page about being entrepreneurs. We don’t mind working for someone else, but we also want to work for ourselves. That means creating multiple streams of income. So we both have our own goals and come together when the other person could help advance you in some way. It is okay to have separate goals and dreams from your partner. But just support each other no matter what happens. It is important to work on your own things but support each other always.

You can do things your own way – I am a sucker for traditions. I am a nostalgic bitch. I loved the traditions I had growing up when it came to the holidays and I try to incorporate as many as possible. Mike for the longest time was not into the holidays. From November 1st to January 1st he was a Grinch. He had a young daughter and I told him… You have to fake liking the holidays for her. It is not fair that the reason you don’t like the holidays should be the reason why she doesn’t.

When I put it like that he kind of snapped out of it and got on board and excited to create our traditions mixed with our old traditions. It took a little bit but we got there. Especially when tradition involves children. We have to come up with some kind of structure. One tradition we had to work on is co-parenting during the holidays.

Choose each other every single day – If you made it through this whole list of 20 Lessons I’ve Learned From My 10 Year Relationship. This is the one I want to take away from ALL these. Being in love is great, but in order to stay in love, you have to choose each other every day. No matter what comes your way, you choose to be in this relationship with them and you choose to work on it every single day. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean the dating and the chase are over. That is what keeps the relationship alive and you don’t end up in a sparkle-less rut. Once you stop choosing your partner it only goes downhill from there.

BONUS LESSON I HAVE LEARNED

You must grow individually and together – I started my personal growth journey in 2019. I never pushed it on Mike I just knew that I wanted something more for myself and it wasn’t going to happen if I didn’t change my mind and figure out who I really am. He would also express that he wanted more for his life and our life, but between the 2 of us, nothing was really changing.

So we started to do this thing called a Life Audit. Every month we would ask ourselves these 4 questions to keep ourselves on track and motivated to become the best versions of ourselves. Now fast forward to last year Mike is working on himself and I am working on myself (STILL LOL) and we come together as a couple to also grow.

My 10 Year Relationship

I think I learned some valuable lessons in my 10 year relationship. Mike if you are reading this. I love you and love this adventure we have been on. We are 10 years in and are still working towards making our relationship run like a well-oiled machine. It has just been me and you supporting each other year after year through all the ups and downs of life. I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else. Here is to another 10, lovey!

Let me know in the comments below What is a lesson you learned while in a relationship, old or current? Let’s share advice on how we can work on our relationships.

Until next time, Have a great day! Remember you are a badass!