I had this whole plan for the series figuring out who I am as an adult, but it is time to start closing the chapters on the old me. If you haven’t read the other posts or watched the videos on my YouTube channel then the quick version of this series was… to talk about my past, get things off of my chest and work through some issues I have.
How it started
I started with my dad’s death and how I thought my mom might have killed him. Spent 3 weeks doing research on him. I talked to family members, got into fights with family members, and reconnected with others. It was a hard, emotional, and beautiful time. I got to play Harriett the spy. Finally, after years of wondering, I got closure. Is it a 100% no, but it was so much more than I ever got in the past.
I talked about how my Grandma kidnapped me after my dad passed and my mom’s lovely boyfriends (sarcasm if you can’t tell… hahaha) I shared behind the scenes of all the research I did for those 3 stories and I could have shared a lot more, but I kept some things to myself for respect of my family members. If I had it my way I would just spill all the beans.
How it’s going to go
I had 8 other significant moments in my life I was going to talk about, but the more I think about it the more I just want to start closing the chapters on the old me. So I figured what is the best way to do that than to talk about them in this post. Just a little blurb to get all of it off my chest. So that I can let go and move on. Time to let go of the old me and spend this time closing the chapters. If you would like a longer story on any of these please let me know I will make it if people want it, but not letting it effect me anymore.
These are in order of how they happened in my life. They all intertwine together.
I can not prove if this happened or not. It is just a feeling I have. I remember from roughly the ages of 7-16 I was always afraid to be alone with an older man. Any females in my life or my brother I would be fine. Being alone with any older man I just got this creepy vibe that something was going to happen. So I would often opt out of doing things because I didn’t want to be alone with them.
If I couldn’t avoid being alone with them I had my guard up. I never understood why even as an adult I don’t understand my fear of older men. Nothing comes to mind at all. I have spent the last 15 years wondering where this weird phobia came from.
I don’t know if I will ever know, but it is time to close the chapter.
I lost my virginity to a one-night stand because I was young, dumb, and naïve. Stupid me thought this guy actually liked me. I drove an hour and a half from my house only to be treated like we were in an adult movie. The whole night he kept telling me I could stay the night then kicked me out after he was done and he never talked to me again.
That’s a lie he messaged me a couple of years later asking if I wanted to hook up again since he was the best I was ever going to have.
Growing up I never felt important to anyone. My mom had her boyfriends and beer, my sister had her husband and stepkids and my brother had his girlfriend and friends. I spent most of my time alone living in my own world. Pretending and making up stories about how my life should have been. I was never anybody’s favorite person. At least that is how I felt.
I was never the one to get birthday parties or be made a big deal when something great happened. I would get a card or a pat on the back. Being a child growing up constantly thinking you are not anybody’s favorite person kind of takes a toll on you and your mental health. Not knowing how to deal with what I was feeling… I thought it would be better if I wasn’t here because no one treats me the way I want to be treated.
I tried twice to end my life and I am not going to go into detail about what I did. But I tried twice.
It still continues to happen
Still to this day I have not been celebrated the way I would celebrate others. Most people forget my birthday. I never got to have the traditional engagement celebration with a party and photos. I have given up on having a traditional wedding. No one takes it seriously when I say let’s hang out. When I say that I actually mean it and when I don’t hear back it breaks my heart.
I made a promise to myself after the second attempt that I was not going to let these bitches in my life hold me down. The promise I made was that I was going to finish high school, get a job and leave everyone behind to start over and make something of myself. It has been a long bumpy and windy 18 years, but I have started crossing off more things off of that statement.
Graduated high school – ✔
Got a job (multiple jobs! LOL) – ✔
Left everyone behind – ✔
Make something of myself – I am still working on that part.
I never did any “hard” drugs, but I was very dependent on Xanax and Klonopin. It would just relax me and honestly, I think it is how I survived a lot of this shit in my 20’s. My attempted suicides, my whore phase, and my abusive relationship all happened in my 20s. When I took one of those pills I didn’t have a care in the world.
It wouldn’t make me high or mess with my mind. I would just be so relaxed to care about what was happening. I also used to smoke weed. Not a lot, but there were spurts.
I had a problem with alcohol. There was a time I had a problem with alcohol. I wasn’t an alcoholic, but I was definitely dependent on it more than I should have. It was a coping mechanism to forget about my problems at home or how I was feeling inside about myself.
I am grateful it did not go any further than that. We have all seen what drugs/alcohol can do to a person. I always had the words in the back of my mind of “Don’t think it couldn’t happen to you. Knowing my luck I would try and die on my first time.” I know I tried to commit suicide before, but I made that promise to myself years ago and I wasn’t going to break it.
My whore phase
When my first love broke my heart leaving me to go back to his ex girlfriend. I was in this phase of no one will love me. I am just good enough to have sex with but not good enough to e the girlfriend. That was proved when I lost my virginity and now with my first love leaving me for his ex.
So I had this mindset for the next year of my life. Not going to lie and say It wasn’t fun because it was. But in the back of my mind sat those words “you are not good enough” It wasn’t until I met a man that made his whole world about me. It was unfamiliar territory I was in…
What I thought was love turned out to be control, manipulation, and abuse. You would think from all the love examples given by my mother growing up I would have been able to tell the difference. At the beginning of our relationship, it was so good. Slowly over the years, things started to change and I being so desperate for love. I stayed. I stayed for 5 years. When I finally decided to walk away… It was hard starting over, especially after an abusive relationship.
That will never happen again in my life… time to close the chapter.
PTSD in cars
In my 20s I was in 6 car accidents in 6 months. I was not driving in any of them. I was just the passenger. Either we were rear ended or we rear ended someone. I had bruises and scrapes all over my body for months. I couldn’t catch a break.
It has been over 10 years since my last accident in that 6 month stint and I am afraid to be a passenger in a car. I am always on the look out afraid that someone is going to slam on their breaks and who ever I am driving with is not going to see or the person behind us is not paying attention to us breaking. I am 100% a backseat driver. But I can’t help it.
I try to ignore it and most of the time I don’t realize I am saying something until after I say it. The only time I feel safe driving is if I am driving. I have control over when and how I break. I can control how fast we are going. But I don’t like driving that much. So Mike drives but I still grab on to the “oh shit” handle, slam the imaginary break pad and saw watch out for… A LOT.
I don’t know how to get over it. It causes me so much anxiety and arguments between me and Mike. This isn’t something I am letting go of just yet… mostly because I don’t know how. But I want to mention it because it is something that affects me every day. That I am trying to work through.
Dropping toxic people
This has been a big one that I have done in 2020 and 2021. I removed myself from so many people’s lives. No explanation, no regrets and no going back. I have spend life my around the wrong people. Almost all of the people in my life be it friends, family, internet friends whatever it was or how they were in my life… were people who were bringing me down.
I wasn’t part of the group… I was the backup friend you would call last minute when your other friends weren’t available. No matter how many times I would set boundaries and they were not respected. I dropped almost everyone in my life. It is normally just me and Mike The kiddo on the weekends and a handful of online or out-of-state friends.
I am by myself 12+ hours a day. Is it lonely… absolutely. But I would rather be alone then to not be respected. Being alone all this time has given me time to self reflect. Really get to know me and what I want out of the relationships in my life.
Closing the chapters
I have a lot more stories I will share eventually but these are the most significant ones that stick out in my memory. It is time to start closing the chapters on the old me. I am no longer that person. From being a teenager until now I have changed so much as a person. I spent so long playing the poor me game that I am over it. I want to punch myself in the face because of how much time I spent playing that stupid game.
closing the chapters doesn’t mean I won’t talk about these stories anymore it just means that I am closing the chapters on who I used to be. I am no longer that shy timid girl that thought she didn’t matter. At this point I am okay not being important to anyone but myself. If you are not taking care of me, paying my bills or wiping my butt… Your opinions do not matter to me.
I am done living my life as a lie pretending to happy when I am not. As I was looking through old pictures to add to this post. I see a lot of pictures of me smiling and happy, but every person in the photo with me did not know how bad things were in my abusive relationship, my dependency on pills or my problem with alcohol.
I am closing the chapters on this part of my life. Spent too much time worry about it and living it. 35 years to be exact. I am no longer letting it affect me. I will be referring to it as my history book and reference it once in awhile to make sure history is not repeating itself.
My 36th birthday is next month on August 19th… this is the end of the poor Michele. This new and improved Michele will now be living her life to the fullest and finding out more about herself with every adventure. Here is to closing the chapters.
Until next time, have a good day! Remember you are a badass *mwah* I will see you in the next one!